(I wrote this a few days ago, but the thoughts in it are still very current for me.)
In the early dictation of the Course, Jesus said this to Helen Schucman, “I told you I forgave you and that meant all hurt and hate you have ever expressed is cancelled.” He then told her the same thing about a friend: “Some day I want to tell Esther that not only is she forgiven, but that the effects of all her sins are cancelled. This is what I have already told you.”
Recently, I spent a day repeating this idea to myself: “All the hurt and hate I have ever expressed is cancelled.” I had two almost opposite reactions. One was that the real problem in my life was the hurt and hate I had expressed, not what others had expressed to me. It felt like coming out of denial and at last admitting the sobering truth.
Jesus actually mentioned something similar. He said that once he could tell Esther she was forgiven, “she will be afraid for a long time, because she will remember many things, consciously or unconsciously, including [a recent loveless thing she had done].” This reaction makes a certain psychological sense. To be told that all your hurtfulness has been cancelled will naturally call to mind the fact that you have been hurtful.
My main reaction, though, was one of liberation. It seemed like the most amazing news. It felt as if I was starting all over today, with a clean slate. It felt as if I as no longer lugging around the weight of the past. Images came to mind—like having a criminal record that had just been wiped clean, or like being Marley’s ghost and at last leaving behind my chains.
I would strongly encourage you to spend some time with this same message. Repeat it to yourself and while you do, try to suspend your disbelief. See what kind of effect it has on you.