[To avoid any confusion, I want to mention that this blog is from Gerry; I’m only posting it for him.]
Robert’s “Pull of God” class helped give me a new a perspective on the issues that had really come to the fore over the past couple of weeks. Without being aware, I was working with having the “blocks to the awareness of Love’s presence” remove––or at least reduced.
Sometimes the gap between what I believe intellectually and what I believe unconsciously can be well hidden. Recently I experienced two examples that had a major impact on me. One morning I woke up early and lay reflecting on my upcoming lesson and meditation time. I thought I would spend some time with the Love of God and why I don’t experience it more deeply. As the thought came to mind, I felt a momentary flash of anxiety. Rather than dismissing it, as I usually might do, I thought to myself, “what is that all about?”
That morning I was working with lesson 235. It contains the sentence: ”God wills that I be saved from this,” and merely watch them [all things that seem to hurt me] disappear.” It hit me that what I needed to be saved from was my perfectionism. The topic had come up a number of times in my discussions with my teacher and also in relation to a class I’ve been part of on the Manual’s “What are the characteristics of God’s teachers?” I can be quite tolerant of other’s shortcomings and imperfections, but I cannot accept my own. Not measuring up to my own high standards produces a sense of unworthiness and failure in me, leading to my unconscious conclusion that God couldn’t possibly love me. It struck me like a bolt of lightning, that this is how I am blocking God’s love for me.
How appropriate the lesson was! “With perfect certainty” I assured myself, “God wills that I be saved from this ‘need’ to be perfect, which is hurting me.” I finally surrendered it and merely watched it disappear! What a sense of freedom! It disappeared and has not resurfaced.
But I wasn’t finished. This seemed to open the door to other unresolved areas. Two days later while reflecting on lesson 237, “Now would I be as God created me,” it dawned on me that I had intellectually accepted all the attributes ascribed to the Son of God, but didn’t really believe they described me. I was still the person I had made of myself and I lived out of that. With the meditation on this lesson I began to see and accept myself as the Self that God created. “I am love, I am peace, I am joy; I am guiltless, holy, and sinless, an infinite being, one with God and all of creation.” That realization removed another block to the awareness of Love’s presence and opened up the portals of joy, and a day of exhilaration followed. Joy had been an issue for me. I had never seen myself as a joyous person, or one who passes on joy.
A few days later, lesson 246 spoke to me in a new way. To truly love the Father and the Son as one opened the door to unconditional love for me. I began to see the unity of all things and that it wasn’t possible to love only part of the whole. I felt that in loving God I was loving my brothers and myself totally and unconditionally, and that was a powerful realization.
The class on “the pull of God” opened my eyes to seeing what was going on. God’s irresistible love was breaking through my blocks and my fears and opening me up to a whole new way of being in this world but not of this world. I feel that I am just touching the tip of the iceberg and that much is still hidden from my awareness, but that little nudge in the early morning has blossomed into a breakthrough and a “giant stride” for me.