The Power of Mind and Dementia
By John Ruiz
Was it the dementia or the power of her right mind that healed her? I only know my darling wife got rid of a mountain of shame and guilt from her earlier life after asking for divine help.
My bride, Jacqueline, began having symptoms of dementia in 2014, two years after her mother passed away. When we went to the doctor, I was told it was probably due to her depression over losing her mother. So, she was put on an antidepressant. However, she continued to go downhill with both visual and audio hallucinations. Most of her hallucinations (90%) were happy ones, talking to people and kids that were not there. As her caregiver, I decided against more serious psych medication because of the potentially serious side effects. And besides, she was happy.
I had started studying A Course in Miracles in March of 2005 and met Jacqueline at Unity church on October 30th, 2005. Much later, I read in one of her journals, “I met John today at church, “and he said, ‘You have a beautiful smile…I find you very attractive.’” We didn’t start dating until March of 2006 just because I lived a ways from Unity and she wasn’t always there when I went. But we ended up taking a class together about relationships based on the book “We” by Robert Johnson. She read a poem she wrote, and I knew right then her beauty on the outside was nothing compared to her beauty inside. I knew I wanted to be in a holy relationship with her. Our time together began over lunch one day. I found out she was 13 years older than me but looked younger. The rest is a happy history.
We often talked about the Course. She agreed with what I was telling her, but she still followed Unity principals. I talked with her about joining in holy relationships and how I wanted to have a holy relationship with her – to work together towards whatever goal God had for us.
We married in 2008 and included in our vows a reference to holy relationship. During our marriage we lived a joyous life of laughter and love with no other expectations. Life could not have been better. One of the things we did together was to take care of her mom for the last 4 years of her life.
I continued to attend the Unity church with her. We gave talks at church together and were on the prayer ministry at the same time. We performed in plays at Unity church too. Many people saw the love we shared and commented on how happy we looked together.
A few months ago, as I was cleaning out some of her things from the closet that she didn’t need anymore, I noticed a box full of journals she had written. She was an avid writer, poet, and even wrote training programs for Franciscan Hospice. She held a master’s degree in psychology and was a bereavement counselor at Franciscan’s before retiring in September of 2006.
What I read in her journals shocked me even though I knew some of her history. Her parents divorced when she was 13 years old. She was a daddy’s girl and very close to her father. When he left, she was heartbroken. During the summer of her 14th year, she met a boy a few years older and they fell in love. Unfortunately, she was a bit naive and got pregnant at 14 years old. She gave birth to a son at 15 years old.
Her mom never forgave her for this and was ashamed of her for getting pregnant. Her mom was dating another man and blamed Jaqueline for possibly ruining her chances to get married again. Her mom put a huge amount of shame and guilt on her and was always blaming her for the misfortunes in her own life. She even blamed her daughter for her failed marriage. Jacqueline took all this blaming and judging inside herself, and she suffered for it.
It was not socially acceptable for an unmarried young girl to get pregnant in those days. She felt forced to marry and raise her son. She was so unprepared for motherhood and marriage. Years later she regretted not giving him up for adoption.
Jacqueline couldn’t go back to school in those days, so she became a housewife. Along the way she gave birth to two more sons. The pressures on all their lives were tremendous. Her husband became an alcoholic. She divorced him eventually and started her life as a single mom.
She had some other good and bad relationships but gave up finding happiness after her 3rd husband died from agent orange exposure in Vietnam. She also experienced many friends, family, and loved ones dying during those times and since then.
She kept a lot of things inside and didn’t talk to me about them. I wish a had known. So, it was understandable to me that she had some depression.
Then I read this in one of her journals, “God, is it all this old shame I still need to release?” And the answer she got was, “Yes.”
And in another journal, “What a gift it would be to be rid of all this guilt and shame.”
Today she no longer feels the guilt and shame from her past. Did her mind help her release it? Or did the dementia play a role in letting it all go? Who can say. I consider it a blessing no matter how it happened. At this moment I am blessed to share her life with her, and although normal conversations are a thing of the past, we can still laugh together.
Another blessing is that all her ailments are also gone. Did her Mind also do this? I don’t know. She is in good health and only takes medication for her blood pressure and her depression.
Her Mind has let her body be released from pretty much all her pain, both physical and emotional. I thank God for these blessings even if it is at the cost of much less interactions and conversations. We can still communicate somewhat. We enjoy each other’s company, and she still says “I love you” to me and asks me never to leave her. I assure her, “I won’t be going anywhere, because you are the love of my life, now and forever.”
Thank you, God.
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