I am now back in Ottawa after participating in the Circle events in Sedona and Robert, Allen, and Greg’s retreat on “A Day in the Life of a Miracle Worker” in St. Louis. I want to share with you what happened to me during the St. Louis retreat. I think that it was a demonstration and first-hand experience of what it was like to spend a day (or in this case, a weekend) as a miracle worker.
It started when I awoke Saturday morning with a major ego attack. I felt as if I didn’t belong at the retreat and questioned why I had come and what I was doing there. It was a blessing that the lesson for the day was 106: “Let me be still and listen to the truth.” It fit in perfectly with the theme of the weekend, and the lesson commentary even said, “Prepare yourself for miracles today.”
The practice was to repeat the idea for the day and then ask, “What does it mean to give and to receive?” Praying for help, I settled into my quiet time and as soon as I asked that question, I heard, “To give without concern for self, Mary.” I realized immediately that all my distress was coming from my concern about myself and about getting what I wanted during the weekend. Do you remember Robert’s recent blog about the “egg-and-spoon race”? What I was experiencing was what he talked about in that blog and which I have dubbed “ENGA”: egocentricity, narcissism, grandiosity, and arrogance. I was there primarily to get for myself what I thought I wanted, not to give to others. I was making the retreat all about me and all up to me.
“To give without concern for self, Mary,” was followed by:
We are here to give, Mary, not to get. Come and join me there. There is no lack in you to fill, no gaps in God’s Love and none between you and your brothers. Just go and love, Mary. Go and be a demonstration of my love––not a special love, but a totally inclusive one. Go, and give from the fullness of your being.
With that, all of my distress instantly disappeared. I prayed for help to learn that day what it was to give and to receive, to do what Jesus said, and to perform whatever miracles he wanted of me. Then I went off into my day with a lightness of heart.
Can you guess what happened? You’re right: my whole weekend turned out to be one miracle after another––miracles given and miracles received. Miracles of reaching out to people, of joining, of extending and receiving love, of wishing everyone well, of being kind and helpful in simple ways, of forgiving when I slipped––and it was all so effortless. I had managed to set aside concern for myself––all of that ENGA stuff––and felt that I was truly offering miracles of kindness and love. I was actually experiencing and giving from that fullness of being Jesus talked about. The result? Pure joy, boundless love, and immense gratitude the whole weekend long.
Coming back home and getting caught up in my life and work here, I lost a bit of that sense, but in my writing about it, it has come flooding back. My prayer is that I hold dear the experience I had and the benefits I experienced, and that I remember, in the midst of all my busy doings, that I am here to be a miracle worker, situation by situation, step by step.
With much love and gratitude for you, my companions on this journey!
P.S. I didn’t want to displace Amy’s blog about the CCC gathering, but I did want to post this while it was fresh in my mind. I hope those of you who were at the gathering will continue to offer your comments on Amy’s blog.