Okay; I finally admit it. I mean really admit it. I am learning disabled! I have read Jesus’ words about this so many times:
You have learning handicaps in a very literal sense. There are areas in your learning that are so impaired that you can progress only under constant, clear-cut direction, provided by a Teacher Who can transcend your limited resources. (T-12.V.5:1-2; all of the following references are to this section)
I have chuckled at how blunt he is and marveled at how well he knows us. I have even agreed with him. However, my agreement has stayed more or less on a theoretical level. Today his comments finally sank in and I started taking them seriously.
For several days, I had been in the grips of egoic thoughts and feelings, believing my own lies about myself, hating myself, knowing the truth but not quite able to believe it more than the lies. This week, we’ve been studying Chapter 12, “The Holy Spirit’s Curriculum,” and practicing the “this world lessons.” (Today’s lesson is, “It is impossible to see two worlds” (130.)) Both have impressed upon me the fact that I have the choice of seeing the illusory world I’ve made or the real world the Holy Spirit “made”; the choice of believing lies or the truth; the choice of continually trying to learn the insane and impossible curriculum of the ego or the only sane and learnable curriculum––the Holy Spirit’s (T-12.V).
Jesus says that my handicap is that I don’t know the meaning of love (6:1), and, therefore, I don’t know who I am. By following the ego as my teacher, I have set myself the impossible goal of not learning (6:3; 7:2).
This kind of learning has so weakened your mind that you cannot love, for the curriculum you have chosen is against love, and amounts to a course in how to attack yourself. (Ur: 7:1)
After several days of “learning” this curriculum, attacking myself mercilessly, and suffering the pain of it, I had had it! Then, as I was sitting in my quiet time this morning, these other words of Jesus came to mind: “Resign now as your own teacher” (Ur: 8:3).
I just sat there with these words, and then I made a connection: This is a day in which I will be meeting with a few of my pupils, and it dawned on me that I needed to ask Jesus to be my teacher––and I needed to be his pupil. I realized that I must be, not only a student of A Course in Miracles, but also a pupil of the teacher of this Course. Furthermore, that was what I wanted!
With this in mind, I’ve been practicing varying forms of this idea today (based on Lesson 130 and T-12:V):
Starting today, dear Jesus, I resign as my own teacher.
It is impossible to see two worlds, but with my split mind, I have been seeing two worlds.
However, only one is real and true; the other is nothing but make believe.
Today I would unite my mind and will with yours, dear Jesus, that I may see only the real world and know the real me.
I’ve taught myself lies, and now I turn to you in true humility and ask you to teach me the truth.
I resign as my own teacher and ask you to be my one and only teacher.
Teach me to give you my “undivided attention” (9:4), so that I may learn.
With this new resolve, all I need do now is actually give him that “undivided attention” (Ur: 9:4). This seems so little to give in exchange for everything!
Note: This is not to underestimate the role of a real-life teacher––I have one myself and can’t imagine not having one. In the Manual, Jesus makes it clear that having a personal teacher is how we are meant to learn this curriculum. I just want to emphasize that to resign as my own teacher, I must accept the only teacher who can really teach me the Holy Spirit’s curriculum. After all, he learned it perfectly from the designer of the curriculum! Under his tutelage, I will learn it. I will learn to love; I will learn to know myself. Enough of teaching myself the opposite?!