by S. Pearson
I was miserable. My high-powered, super-busy, but rewarding career came to a screeching halt. I had become sick, barely able to get out of bed, wracked with pain, weak, and unable to eat.
I was diagnosed with a rare, life-threatening primary immune disorder called CVID or Common Variable Immune Disorder. There was no cure for this, but there was a treatment—monthly intravenous infusions of immunoglobulins. It took a full year of these infusions for me to begin to get my life back, but I was still too sick to work. I was forced to retire from my job as a documentary producer. When I got enough energy to drive a car and do some simple chores like grocery shopping, I began to think about trying to find a greater purpose in my life. I joined with an organization that paired caring adults to mentor children in foster care.
I was assigned to a seven-year-old girl named MJ and promised to spend up to eight hours a month, giving her experiences she might not otherwise have. The idea was to provide emotional support, a steady commitment, and unconditional love. MJ and I have had many wonderful adventures over the years, everything from skipping rocks at the river to horseback riding to surfing lessons at the ocean. But in the second year of my friendship with MJ, her life became increasingly more challenging. She and her twin, plus an older brother, were moved from one foster home to another—four to five homes in one year. MJ was sometimes an hour away by car from me, but sometimes as much as four hours away. But I always found time to spend with her. The children were traumatized with each move. On that fifth move, I became very angry with the system that would allow this to happen to children. I began to think about how I could harness all those years as a journalist into a force that could take that system down and rebuild it with something kinder and gentler. I was filled with righteous indignation that I thought would provide the fuel to bring about real change. I know how to push on things, I thought. I can do this.
That weekend I attended a spiritual retreat with my anger in full force. I thought I was right to be furious and want to change things. This retreat, though, was about centering prayer—silence and peace. I was not getting it. My anger was preventing me from feeling any peace.
Suddenly, I got a very strong message, from what I believe was a divine source, that I should lose the anger. I couldn’t understand why. But every moment I resisted, I felt that message again “Lose the anger. Be patient. Find peace. Let it be. ” I didn’t want to let it be. I wanted my anger to help bring change to the foster care system. By the end of the retreat, I finally surrendered the anger because the call to do so had been so persistent and so obviously not from me. I felt there must be a reason behind this divine guidance that I did not yet know. I decided to follow these messages, have faith, and be peaceful and patient.
The day after the retreat, I was at my son’s house when the director of the mentoring organization reached me on my cell phone. He said, “We finally have the new placement information on MJ and thought you would enjoy hearing where she is now. Take a guess where they have moved her.”
My anger returned, because I thought, how could he think I would enjoy hearing about yet another wrenching move for this precious child? So I said the most unlikely place I could think of. “She must have been moved to my little country outpost in the foothills,” I said with sarcasm dripping from my voice.
“Yes!” he said. “They moved her to a family just down the street from you!”
My heart leapt. Now I knew the reason for the divine message to wait patiently without anger. Instead of two hours from me, MJ would now be 2 minutes from me.
MJ is a grown woman now and looking back I can see that the foster family near me provided her with a lot of love and stability for many years, and I was there to help her thrive. Thank you, God, for helping me not interfere with a miracle that was underway. I didn’t need to do anything. I just needed to let it be.
“I need do nothing” is a statement of allegiance, a truly undivided loyalty. Believe it for just one instant, and you will accomplish more than is given to a century of contemplation or of struggle against temptation. [CE T-22.VII.8:3-4]
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