By Billy Ledford
My parents divorced when I was very young, and I lived with my mother who was a Southern Baptist. From a young age, I was influenced by two very different orientations: My mother was a conservative Christian; my father did not go to church and never talked to me about religion. My mother was relatively poor; my father was upper middle class. My mother had a high school education; my father had a master’s degree in business administration.
Growing up in two “worlds,” I was interested in Christianity and spirituality on the one hand, was also open-minded, rational, and critical of things religious on the other. As a teenager, when I moved out of my mother’s home to live with my father and stepmother, I decided I was agnostic. At that time, I was secretly coming to grips with being gay and was having growing doubts about conservative Christianity. Instead of the authority of the church and its spokesmen causing me to doubt myself and suppress my budding sexuality, I began to doubt their authority and began to explore alternative ways of thinking about matters of spirit and of the heart.
When I was around 13, my stepmother started reading and talking to her friends about reincarnation, near-death experiences, out of body experiences, and books by Shirley MacLaine, all topics that intrigued me. I read anything I could get my hands on. I explored eastern religions, Jungian Psychology, the works of mythologists like Joseph Campbell, and the collective unconscious. I started seeing how so many of the world’s traditions had similar stories and philosophies. The more I read about such things, the more I started believing in God again. I found it much easier to believe in a God who would give me chance after chance to get things right than a God who would condemn me to hell just because I sinned or did not have the right beliefs.
During all of this I remained drawn to Jesus. There was always something about him that captured my imagination and resonated with me on a deep level. I read historical Jesus scholarship extensively. I learned that there were different ways to understand the Bible, the history of the church, the role of women, even homosexuality, than I had been taught in the Southern Baptist churches of my childhood. Eventually, I found an LGBTQ-affirming church in my hometown that allowed me to question and talk about all I had learned over the years, and to be openly gay.
In my exploration of all things spiritual, I had seen references to A Course in Miracles (the Course). I was fine with it being a channeled book, but, when I learned that the voice behind the book was Jesus, that was just too much for me to accept. However, over the years of reading books on spirituality, I kept coming across quotes from the Course and marveled at how beautiful and profound they were. Eventually I bought the book and tried to read it, but that didn’t last long – I found it too confusing. So, I put it away on a shelf.
One day while I was meditating on the part of John’s Gospel related to Jesus’ torture and crucifixion, I was looking at a brass crucifix on the wall and the word “defenselessness” kept coming to mind. It was the first time I realized how defenseless he was. Not once did he defend himself! I realized this was in no way a sign of weakness, it was a sign of strength. After my meditation I remembered that A Course in Miracles had something to say about the strength that lies in defenselessness. I did a quick Google search on “defenselessness in A Course in Miracles.” Out of all the results that came up, the one that caught my eye was an excellent article from the Circle of Atonement (the Circle). This one article led to many more. I was impressed that the teachers of the Circle took a very scholarly approach to the Course and had a way of making the material understandable for those of us who grappled with its profound ideas. For the first time, the teachings of the Course started making sense to me. I ordered several books written by Robert Perry, Greg Mackie, and Allen Watson and joined what was then called the Circle Course Community (now known as “Course Companions”).
Shortly after joining the community, I received an email from Robert Perry (founder of the Circle and its main teacher) welcoming me and asking me if I was interested in having a personal teacher. He had someone in mind. This was not something I had really thought about, but, after some consideration, I agreed. Within a few days, I had my first call with the man with whom I would go on to form an intense relationship of twice-a-week study and practical application of the Course. We read and discussed the entire Text, the Workbook, the Manual for Teachers, and the two supplements (Psychotherapy and Song of Prayer). Through all our discussions, we identified the many ways for me to apply the teachings in my daily life and current relationships. When I began this period of study and practice, I was not sure if the Course was my path, but it didn’t take long for me to be convinced that it was.
The fact that Jesus is the author of the Course no longer bothers me. As a result of my intense study of the historical Jesus and Christian mysticism, the voice of the Course sounds very familiar and has an authority that is hard to dismiss. I don’t see the Course as contradictory to Christianity. I now regard A Course in Miracles as Jesus’ “second coming” – a sort of Third Testament. I see it as his undiluted teachings that speak to anyone – Christian or not. I see him correcting misperceptions of himself, and his teachings found in the Bible. I see him taking terms that have been used to exclude and transforming them into terms that include. Through the Course, Jesus healed the wounds I received from the Christian church so many years ago.
Since I first began studying and applying the Course, I have noticed a rapid increase in peace and a healing in my relationships. A Course in Miracles is the only path I am aware of that takes forgiveness and relationships as the main practice and focus. Yes, the goal is to realize our oneness with God, but the means to that goal is played out in our relationships with others. It is only in our relationships with others, given over to the Holy Spirit, that we experience what the Course calls “salvation.”
I consider myself fortunate being a psychotherapist because my job is to be in relationship with people to bring about healing. The Course has showed me that I have a Guide in this process of healing – the Holy Spirit. With His help, I am a much better therapist. My clients are the “easy” ones. Ego resistance comes in to play in other areas of my life: co-workers, family, drivers in traffic. The Course teaches there is no order of difficulty in miracles, and it only seems like these other relationships are more difficult because the ego would have it so.
One of the most important changes I have experienced has been in how I perceive myself, and by extension, everyone else. A Workbook lesson that I repeat often is, “I am still as God created me.” It reminds me of the truth of my creation. No matter what I have done in my life; No matter what I might think about myself; No matter what anyone else has done to me; No matter what anyone thinks about me; No matter what…, I am as God created me: holy, perfect, innocent, and one with God and the entire Sonship. God creates as an extension of Himself. God is love. Therefore, as an extension of God, I too am love. How awesome is that! Slowly, but surely, my study and practice of the Course is “removing the blocks to the awareness of love’s presence.”
This Course that I initially thought was so complicated and hard to understand has become simple. Being simple does not mean easy. The ego loves to complicate things, to find exceptions to love. As I learn to exchange the ego’s ideas and plans for the Holy Spirit’s ideas and plans, I know and live the simple truth of love. All these changes have allowed me to view the Course within the context of my Judeo-Christian tradition. While I no longer call myself a Christian, I am more and more a follower of Jesus. I strive to live by his way, his truth, and his life.
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