By Douglas Smith
Course wisdom has suddenly shown up for me. I did nothing I know of to bring about this big shift. Perhaps I gave a little more willingness than usual, but I really feel it must have happened by grace.
I have been afraid to communicate this until now. I worried that if I spoke about this unusual shift, it would disappear. But I recognized this for what it was: the ego’s sneaky way of trying to survive. So, I am speaking about it.
With this shift, for approximately 1 to 2 weeks, I was no longer focused on faults in my friends and acquaintances but saw the innocence and divinity within them. It was so beautiful!
I had been holding on to resentments towards my mother, who is 92, and my only living immediate family member. I had not forgiven her. But forgiveness came to me with no effort on my part. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but I have forgiven her. I even told her about this, and how it unburdened me. I feel light and free and filled with an abundance of joy I never imagined possible.
Here’s a little background to shed light on moving from hardship to happiness with the help of ACIM: I was laid off from my job of 20 years back in December 2022. This was devastating as I had worked so hard to make my way up without ever finishing with a college degree. I had rotator cuff surgery on my dominant right arm in November 2022, and then again the day after being laid off. Somehow, the tendon got torn again. And then I had another surgery on it in May by a different surgeon who finally fixed it, thank God.
After that I had to focus on my back, since having disc fusion of the L3, to L4 to L5 back in 2009, I now needed fusion of the L5 to the S1 (tail bone) but 30 minutes before the surgery, the surgeon said he discussed with his colleagues and determined more surgical work needed to be done to guarantee this would not fall apart in a year. So. the surgery was 4 hours and then 4 nights in the hospital.
I mention these hardships because they have something to do with the shift as well. I believe these challenges were meant to push me to grow and learn.
But through all of this, I had been reading the Course, attending the COA classes, and watching the videos. It seems that I had very possibly given my will to God. Our will is one and this had caused a profound shift in my feelings and thinking. For a time, it wasn’t as if my ego was gone, but rather that it was now in the background with the real self in the foreground, as if the positions had flip-flopped.
And it’s interesting: I was listening to friends babbling on and on at a dinner one night but instead of focusing on them in a negative way, I just leaned in, let go of any judgements, and saw the light within them, their incredible beauty, and all I wanted to do was to hug them! I didn’t have a care about what they were talking about; I don’t even know if I heard them, I was just fixated on their beauty!
And then I heard this in my head. These are my brothers and sisters, they are my saviors, I am looking at the Holy Spirit! WOW, the Holy Spirit is right in front of me! I love it!
And if I started to feel I was slipping back into a more egoic, judging frame of mind, I found I didn’t have to. And I didn’t need to be afraid of losing this grace. I could just come right back into it by ignoring the ego and tuning into radio station WGOD instead of WEGO!
Unfortunately, this state of mind didn’t last beyond 1 to 2 weeks. My old egoic patterns did creep back in, and I was not able to switch back using the method I mentioned that worked during this time. However, it has had a profound impact on my understanding and learning of the Course’s material. Whereas I used to “believe” the Course’s teachings were the truth, I now “know” they are. This has given me the strength, peace and faith to continue on with the study and practice of ACIM. I know I can get back to this state of being and beyond if I just continue on this path and give my will to God.
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The grace of God rests gently on forgiving eyes, and everything they look on speaks of Him to the beholder. [CE T-25.VI.1:1]
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