Love in the Classroom

by SJL

I can’t say what triggered such enormous fear in me. It didn’t seem tied to an event but perhaps old memories. I had not been sleeping well or performing well in my position as a teacher of kindergarten children with special needs. My mind was scattered, confused, and I was very anxious. I was feeling unwell and very fatigued.

I remember saying to my husband, “I don’t know what’s going on, but I know that it’s spiritual.” That was because, along with the fear, a different feeling emerged—a feeling of being comforted by a presence apart from that fearful me.

A lot of emotions were surfacing from my childhood. I had put my father on a pedestal, even though I was very afraid of him. He was like God to me, but as much as I loved him, he terrified me at times with his erratic temperament—tender one moment, raging the next. I imagined God was like this tyrannical father of mine—one minute loving, the next a tower of anger. Trying to make sense of the whiplash emotions of my childhood was making me feel terrible.

One morning after a rather sleepless night, I started to get ready for work. I realized very quickly that I did not have the strength, emotionally or physically, to go to school. I remembered one verse from the Bible that repeated and repeated in my mind: “Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone?…How much more will the heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!” I fell on my knees and prayed. “Oh, Father!” You know I cannot do this alone! Please give me the Holy Spirit as You promised!”

Within seconds, I could sense an enormous power filling me up! As it did, I began to stand. My body was infused with an overwhelming Love that seemed to fill every speck of my being. My body seemed to vibrate as I stood beside my dresser. The sensations did not frighten me or seem strange. In fact, it felt very natural, true, and comforting. Soon, I became aware that my body was singing a chorus of “My Father Loves Me! My Father Adores Me!”  I shouted out loud, “God is Love!” I said, “Oh, Father, You are not like my earthly father. You do love me always and forever with pure unconditional love! Praise God!”

I got in my car and started to drive to work. Halfway there, the car became filled with a brilliant light. It seemed to shine out from the car ahead on the road and became stronger and stronger as I approached the school. I remember crying as I said, “This is for me, isn’t it—thank You.” After parking my car, in my joy, I noticed that everything was drenched in this golden light! The school buses, the children, the school—everything!

I walked into the classroom, and my teacher assistant, Mary, noticed something about me. She smiled and just said, “What’s going on with you”?

Suddenly the phone in my classroom rang. It was my sister. I had left her a message to call me after my morning of transformation. I told her what happened. Without a pause, she said that I was having a panic attack and delusions due to all the emotional trauma I was experiencing. She wanted me to go to a doctor and get on medication.

What a drop from Heaven to hell! Doubt! Maybe she’s right, and I am really, really sick? After all, these things don’t happen to people! What’s wrong with me? Oh, God, please help me!  I was in total fear, and I knew I had to regroup.

I went out into the hall. I became still and prayed, “Dear God, if it is true that You are Love and that You love me, please, I need to know that right now.”

I felt it first under my feet—that same Power, Light, and Love! It ascended up through my body—my legs, torso, shoulders, head, and then proceeded to rise above my head. My consciousness was above my physical body. Oh, everlasting joy! It is true!

When I walked back into the classroom, it was filled with Light and Peace.

The morning class of children arrived. I can’t remember everything about the morning, but I sat at my desk and traveled places in my mind. I “saw” the world from above and saw beams of light streaming upwards. I knew they were our spirits (the great rays). Some were higher, some lower, but I knew what they were. I had visions about eternity.

The classroom seemed to run itself. Mary told me that the children were extraordinarily loving, kind, and peaceful. She mostly let them play and would hear statements like, “No, it’s your turn” and “I’ll share this with you” and so on. What a morning!

During lunch, I went to my car to process the extraordinary events. But what happened next was not what I expected. As I sat in my car, filled with gratitude and awe, it seemed as if my awareness or beingness grew larger and larger.

My consciousness continued to grow “upwards,” and as it did, my sense of Love grew and grew and grew. My body shaking, I dissolved in tears. When the Love was extremely strong, I felt a “merging” or joining with the Great Love that I had experienced earlier. This united Love grew and grew until I felt I could not handle it any longer. I felt like my body would dissolve or explode! I reveled in this space until I spoke out loud, “Please, dear God, I don’t know if my body can handle any more.” With that, the immensity of the experience diminished but did not disappear.

The afternoon class was much more challenging than the morning class, and I did not want to let Mary on her own again. All of the children had speech and language delays. Some also had learning disabilities. I had only one child with autism.

That was my Dean. Dean was a beautiful child. He had strawberry blonde hair, light blue eyes, and almost perfect, porcelain skin. He was thin and tall. When he came to school wearing the tuxedo (that he had worn to his uncle’s wedding), he knew he looked handsome—and he did!!

Dean was able to take care of his personal needs in the classroom and follow basic classroom expectations. His language skills were not measurable, for he only parroted the words that were spoken to him. Engaging in eye contact was a skill that we worked on all the time. It was very difficult to know what was going on inside his little head.

His language goals were 1) to refer to himself in the first-person pronoun (instead of “Dean wants”), 2) to answer who, what and where questions, and 3) to display a preference between two choices using the pronoun “I” (for instance, when asked, “Dean, do you want the red block or the blue block for your building?”).

The first thing I noticed in Dean that transformative day was at circle time. As I read the book for the lesson, he was looking at the book and smiling at the story! No blank, uninterested stares today. When I called the children forward to get their stickers, he engaged in full eye contact with me and said, “Thank you!”

OMG! Something is going on!

Playtime after circle—Dean proceeded to get playdough, bring it to the table, and said, “Mrs. Lindsay, it’s YOUR birthday today! YOU need a cake.” He made a beautiful cake with candles. “Happy Birthday to you, Mrs. Lindsay. Happy Birthday to you!”

I looked over at Mary. She was gasping with her hands over her mouth!

This level of Dean’s performance continued all through playtime, even as he asked classmates if he could play with them. I was astonished.

My favorite memory is when I was playing cars and trucks with a few of them, and Dean pulled the scarf around my neck so that I was close to his face. As he looked me in the eyes, he said, in a very seductive manner, I might add, “Come here, you.”

What happened in the classroom that day—a miraculous healing from the love that was in me and all around me? When he came back to school the next day, he behaved just like we had always known him. Why didn’t it stick?

I saw Dean’s mother several years later. She and her husband were parents of three autistic boys. All developed naturally after birth to about 18 months, at which time each started to withdraw from life. I asked her, “How’s Dean?” “Oh, Dean is our star!” she said. “He attends all the mainstream classes with no additional help. He sometimes goes to the support teacher to get help with his homework, but that’s all.”

So there was healing! Perhaps it just took a little time to manifest fully, but I do feel there was a connection between what I experienced that day and what happened to Dean. I rest in gratitude, believing that God’s Love flowed into and through me to help heal a precious child.

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You will see miracles through your hands through me. [CE T-1:2]

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