By Nancy Benjamin
“What’s it all about, Alfie?” I can still hear my mother singing along with the radio in the 1960s and I would join in. “As sure as I believe there’s a heaven above, Alfie, I know there’s something much more….”
This is the story of how I found A Course in Miracles (ACIM, the Course), or rather, how ACIM found me. It is also about how the Course has become my framework for understanding life after more than 50 years of searching.
My brother, sister and I had a Protestant upbringing. My mother had been raised half-Catholic/half-Congregational and my father had been brought up in Methodist and Unitarian denominations. Growing up, we went to a Presbyterian church about once a month, as well as for Christmas and Easter. We were a hybrid of Protestant (lots of kindness and learning to treat others as we wanted to be treated,) and Catholic (lots of little rules for everything from A to Z: such as fear God and avoid anything that could send you to hell).
I started getting serious about life in my senior year in high school. I was co-editor of the yearbook and recommended the theme: “the search for meaning in life.” Hunting for quotes and photographs that were spiritual planted a seed of curiosity in me about life and death, Jesus’ resurrection, and the promise of eternal life. The musicals, Jesus Christ Superstar, and Godspell, were also influential.
As a freshman in college, I became involved with Campus Crusade for Christ (CCC), a Christian evangelical organization that held weekly Bible studies, social hours, and annual conferences. I became a leader at my college and was selected to spend a summer at Cape Cod with 30 other leaders from campuses across the country. Our purpose was to share the pamphlet “The Four Spiritual Laws” (how to be born again to become a true Christian) on the beaches and at our summer jobs and develop friendships with each other.
By junior year, it became clear to me that I was gay and could no longer honestly participate in CCC. One of my mentors prayed for me and counseled me to change, but it just didn’t add up in my mind. If God loves everyone just as they are, why should I have to change, apologize, or repent?
The 70s were a confusing time. Gay people were at risk of being ostracized and fired and certainly not likely to be hired as teachers. I had no one to go to for advice, so I ended up doing research in the college library where I learned about two communities that were Christian and supportive of gay people (one in Philadelphia, the other in Washington DC). I read their magazines, “The Other Side” and “Sojourners” cover to cover. They really helped me and supported my gut-level intuition that I was fine just the way I was. Thank God!
Fast forward through my career of 36 years as a social studies teacher and principal at large suburban high schools. In Greenwich, Connecticut, I volunteered with Young Life, an upbeat, fun, Christian group for teens, and joined a large, progressive Episcopal church. When I later moved to Syracuse, New York, I was an active member of a Unity church. They offered ACIM classes, but I never seemed to have enough time in my busy schedule to attend.
Over the years, I read a lot of self-help and spiritual books by authors such as: Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Gary Zukav, Oprah Winfrey, Henri Nouwen, Neil Donald Walsh, Sylvia Browne, Michael Alan Singer, Caroline Myss, and Iyanla Vanzant. They all seemed to have a piece of the truth, but not the whole picture.
It was only after being retired for a couple of years that things finally began to click into place. In 2016, I started watching Marianne Williamson’s weekly televised lectures based on ACIM principles. I found Lisa Natoli and the Teachers of God Foundation on the Internet and took a number of their on-line courses. Lisa directed me to the new Complete & Annotated Edition (CE) of ACIM and the Circle of Atonement (the Circle). I ordered a copy of the CE and found it very user-friendly.
I now have been a member of the Circle’s Course Companions for the past four years and have taken most of the workshops offered. I completed the Study Group Leaders training in 2020 and have participated in Mary Anne Buchowski‘s Support Group for teachers and group leaders. Every day I look forward to reading, meditating on, and applying lessons from the Course whose deeper meanings are clarified by the Circle’s teachers.
ACIM is a bottomless well with fresh new truths dawning often in my mind. I have finally found what I have been looking for: that “I am the light of the world.” [CE W-61:1] and “Forgiveness is my function as the light of the world.” [CE W-62:1] Quoting Robert Perry, founder of and teacher with the Circle, “Forgiveness is the closest thing on earth to the egoless love of Heaven.” That is what I am here to do.
After searching for over 50 years, A Course in Miracles (a 1600+ page course with a Text, Workbook and Teacher’s Manual, dictated by Jesus himself) is the only thing I’ve found that makes 100% sense to me. Was I skeptical at first? Very. But the more I read and practice the lessons daily, the more I experience the truth of the message.
Now, “Love is the way I walk in gratitude.” [CE W-195:1] Or as Burt Bacharach and Hal David wrote, “When you walk, let your heart lead the way. And you’ll find love any day, Alfie.”
In conclusion, I have come to realize that being the light of the world and offering forgiveness to myself and everyone else is why I am here. Much like Harriet Tubman holding aloft the torch for the enslaved people, my function is to help and guide those who are searching to find their true purpose and home – real freedom, love, happiness, safety, and peace.
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