By Ann Freeman
My background is Catholic. For years, I used to go to mass every day and loved it. Daily mass offered me peace and escape in its quiet, sparsely attended services, and I truly felt a spiritual connection with God while I was there. As I walked out the door of the church, I often wondered how I could bring that peace and connection with me, because outside there seemed a definite division between “church and state.” Besides going to mass, I took comfort in saying the rosary in time of need.
However, for all the masses I attended and all the rosaries I prayed, I still felt a lack. I came to see that the rosary was a ritual, as was daily mass, and my experience with rituals was they only provided a temporary sense of peace. While religion was telling me to look up, fear of taking a wrong step that would plunge me into the abyss forced me look down. I believed that I was a damaged person, unworthy of goodness, love, and abundance. On top of that, I was afraid that if I ever did feel truly happy in this life, God would snuff me out. I was conflicted for I did not know how to trust a God who would do that. My religion, with its big picture, did not address my individual fears. I cried a lot.
I sought council from a Catholic priest as to how to bring the peace of God into my everyday life. Our chats didn’t help me much. I also I paid a small fortune for talk therapy with an Episcopal priest/therapist to become healed and whole. Ultimately, it did little more than shift the blame away from my “perceived undeservedness of love” onto my offender’s brokenness, who I would then forgive out of charity. Peace still eluded me. I was beginning to believe the abyss was just part of my human experience.
I did not understand the contradictory nature of my journey: On the surface I sought peace, yet secretly didn’t want to find it for fear of the sacrifice God would ask of me. Fortunately, Jesus understood the contradiction and interceded at exactly the right time, presenting me with A Course in Miracles (ACIM, the Course).
ACIM seemed to enter my life rather casually. I was perusing Amazon for book titles similar to a book that I had recently read and found helpful: The Brain that Changes Itself by Norman Doidge. After scrolling through several pages of suggestions, the original edition of A Course in Miracles (published by Course in Miracles Society) showed up. Its description and positive reviews piqued my interest. I downloaded it onto my Kindle for $5.49, thinking I had just ordered something that might show me how to manifest the miracle of abundance. I started with the Text (the theory). It took me some time to get into it, because I didn’t care for the 50 miracle principles described in Chapter 1. However, the more I read, the more captivated I became. I spent the next few weeks devouring the words, astounded at the clarity of message. By the time I finished the Text, I had come to the realization that the Course was not simply a book about manifesting miracles, it was also Eastern philosophy meets Christianity meets universal laws meets Psychology. What a life changer!
Immediately after finishing the Text, I started on the Workbook (the practice), hoping it would help bring more clarity. I have a vivid memory of walking around the Lower East Side of Manhattan looking for “little edges of light” in every person I passed, as described in Lesson 15. I spent 15 months going through the Workbook, while re-reading the Text, this time slowly and deliberately.
After reading the original edition, I moved on to the edition published by the Foundation for Inner Peace, and then eventually found the Complete and Annotated Edition (CE) published by the Circle of Atonement. The CE version of the Course is my favorite because of the deep, behind-the-scenes look it offers into the Course and its scribes.
To this day, I remain an avid student of the Course, awed and grateful for its teachings. Day by day, through studying and applying the principles of ACIM, I am consciously allowing God to become the foundation of my life. No longer is He “out there,” but in my heart and in my mind. I’m learning how to remove blocks to love’s awareness that I didn’t even know I had. I’m less afraid to look at my mistakes, to say I’m sorry and ask forgiveness. And as I bring my mistakes to the light, they no longer weigh heavily on me as they once did. Every day I ask for guidance from Jesus and the Holy Spirit; and, even better, I am starting to hear guidance. And I’m looking down less and less, because I trust God when He tells me that there is no abyss.
What a gift are the teachings of A Course in Miracles!
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