By Lynn Robin Miller
I grew up Jewish in a Roman Catholic neighborhood. Prayer was still allowed in public schools, and I watched other children cross themselves, not understanding what they were doing, but imitating them just to fit in. The only thing I knew about Christ was there was a holiday called Christmas when non-Jews got to put colorful lights on their houses and to have Christmas trees with lots of presents.
Although culturally Jewish, I had not been raised with much religion, other than the stories my father read to us from a beautifully illustrated children’s Torah. The stories, though fanciful, were very scary, especially the ones involving sacrifice, such as when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son. Even though God ultimately condescended to have a goat sacrificed instead, I couldn’t understand why a loving God would require such a horrendous demonstration of loyalty.
I encountered various forms of antisemitism growing up. Because I was one of only a handful of Jewish students at my public school, I was asked to go to the different classrooms to explain the Jewish holidays. In one classroom, I saw my babysitter’s son who I knew was also Jewish. I said, “Jeffery is Jewish. Why doesn’t he explain the holidays?” A horrified look came over his face, and all heads turned to look at him as he cried out, “No, I’m not!” Another time, a neighborhood boy called me a “dirty Jew.” One hot summer day, my best friend and I decided to take a dip in her pool. She went into the house to get us some Kool-Aid. She came back with a sorry look on her face and told me that I had to leave because her grandmother didn’t want a “Christ-killer” around. I had no idea why I was accused of killing Christ or being dirty.
Over the years, I accumulated betrayals, emotional abuses, and rejections, holding on to them like a monkey holds onto cookies in a jar. Just as the monkey must first open its fist and drop the cookies to free its hand, I knew that I needed to let go of all the grievances to make any real progress on my spiritual journey. While Judeo-Christianity has much to commend it, when I began my search for answers to questions I had about God and my origins, I didn’t want to have anything to do with western religion; instead, I looked to Eastern spirituality.
I continued to nurse grievances even after I enrolled in a master’s program at a residential yoga institute. I took on more when I felt shunned by a tightly knit clique. While I had powerful meditations that raised me to a high and peaceful place, it took only a thought of such an “injustice” to bring me right back down. I did my best not to let anyone see my unforgiveness, but someone did notice. The Spiritual Director was an advanced yogi who had been studied by the Menninger Institute for his mastery over functions previously believed to be autonomic, such as stopping his heart at will. Among his other abilities, he was said to have the power to read minds, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that, after initiating me with a Sanskrit mantra, he told me, “Your mantra should really be: Forgive, forgive, forgive.” Unfortunately, I was too astounded to ask him how to do that.
As part of the master’s program, I studied Yoga science, several systems of Eastern philosophy, and Psychology, but I hadn’t really learned how to forgive. During my stay, I came across an interesting blue book entitled A Course in Miracles (ACIM, the Course), the only channeled book allowed to be sold at the Institute. I did not immediately buy or read it; instead, I waited a couple more years during which time several people recommended it to me. I finally received my own copy at a white elephant party, of all places! (A white elephant party is a fun way to exchange unwanted Christmas presents.) When my turn came to choose among the wrapped gifts, imagine my surprise and delight to discover that the gift I selected turned out to be the same book that I had seen at the institute. This was extremely fortuitous, because the study group I was attending was looking for a new book and had decided to study ACIM, which, by the way, teaches: “No accident or chance is possible within the universe as God created it” (Text 21.II).
I soon learned that ACIM primarily focuses on forgiveness as a means toward salvation, but with a different take compared to other teachings. It differentiates between several different forms of forgiveness, ranging from very primitive forms that “seek to destroy”, to the highest form, “forgiveness for salvation,” which is the understanding that, in truth, there is nothing to forgive. A startling concept for me, but, when I considered the apparent insanity of the world, it made sense. ACIM explains it this way:
You are at home in God, dreaming of exile…You know from your own experience that what you see in dreams you think is real as long as you are asleep, but the instant you waken you know that everything that seemed to happen did not happen at all. You do not think this mysterious, even though all the laws of what you awake to were violated while you slept. Is it not possible that you merely shifted from one dream to another without really waking? [CE T-10.I.6-7]
At the time, however, my hurts and indignities still felt very real to me, especially when I accepted an internship with a corporate seminar leader with a reputation for being “difficult.” One day, she interrupted her seminar to publicly share something about me that was not only extremely embarrassing, but untrue. While I resisted the temptation to verbally defend myself (see Workbook Lesson 135, “If I defend myself, I am attacked”), inside, I had already tried and condemned her. I left fuming with proverbial smoke coming out of my ears, hating my intense emotional discomfort even more than I hated her. While it fueled my desire to forgive her, thereby freeing myself of it, I knew that it would take a miracle. But then I remembered that I was studying a course in MIRACLES! This passage told me I could lean on the Holy Spirit to do the heavy lifting.
His Voice [the Holy Spirit] will teach you what forgiveness is, and how to give it as He wills it be…. When someone calls for help in any form, He is the One to answer for you. All that you need do is to step back and not to interfere. Forgiveness-for-salvation is His task, and it is He Who will respond for you. (Song of Prayer 2.III)
While skilled in meditation, my experience with prayer – especially to Jesus or the Holy Spirit – was limited, but now I prayed for help with all my heart. All of a sudden, I found myself flooded with a feeling of love/joy so strong that, not only did I feel love for my mentor, I began to feel gratitude for the humiliation that had led to this miraculous feeling. I’ve heard it said that you should “forgive but never forget,” but the forgiveness was so complete that by the time I returned to the seminar the next day, I could not even recall the seminar leader’s awful comment.
Understanding just how powerful a path ACIM was, I became determined to learn and follow it to the best of my ability. I stayed with the ACIM study group for several more years, soaking up as much wisdom as I could. However, I found myself at odds with the leader over certain issues, such as: the value of meditation in ACIM and the fact that my questions were not always welcomed. Knowing that the quickest way to learn something is to teach it, I decided to start my own study group at a Unity church.
One day while searching the Internet for help in interpreting some of the Course’s more obscure passages, I stumbled across Allen Watson’s text commentaries (now on the website of the Circle of Atonement (the Circle)). This was prior to the Circle’s publication of the Complete and Annotated Edition (CE). I found Allen’s commentaries particularly helpful because they included much of the original (Ur) material that had been changed or omitted in the Foundation for Inner Peace’s edition. Then I received a more “concrete” miracle: The church gifted me a stack of Course pamphlets authored by Watson and the Circle’s founder, Robert Perry. I devoured them.
Although I have had many challenging “forgiveness opportunities” (see my story in the Story Project, “From Hate to Healing”: https://circleofa.org/stories/from-hate-to-healing/), I am pleased to report that I no longer hold onto grievances such as I did in the past. With the resources available from the Circle, as well as help and guidance from other teachers and guides, seen and unseen, I feel I that I am making great headway. This year marks the tenth anniversary of my Course in Miracles study group.
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