I have been noticing with dismay that my Workbook-style practice, after all these years, is still something of a chore, and as a result, is still spotty. On the positive side, it is a fundamental part of my day. While at my desk I practice a number of times an hour (away from my desk it gets much less frequent). Yet I still have to basically make myself do it, and it shouldn’t be that way. My practice should be where my thoughts spontaneously turn for my happiness. It should be something I almost can’t help doing, just like you can’t help thinking about the one you are in love with.
So for the last couple of days I’ve been making a conscious decision that my practice is where I am turning for my happiness. I am telling myself that I’m relying on my practice today to bring me happiness. It feels like an important decision.
This is based on an observation I’ve made over the years, that what actually brings you happiness and where you look for your happiness may be entirely different things, and even entirely discordant.
When I’m practicing well, the day takes on a kind of glow. I feel uplifted. Everything feels all right. The day feels like it’s taken on a higher significance. It feels like everything has a faint numinous aura around it. Just like there are certain days when there is an indefinable quality in the light—perhaps because of the time of year or the weather—so my best days of practice feel like there is an indefinable quality in the day. You can’t put your finger on it, but it pervades everything. Those days are really my best days.
Yet, oddly enough, that’s not where I look, moment to moment, for my happiness. Rather, I look to more conventional things, like engaging in satisfying activities and interactions, accomplishing things, or getting to the other side of responsibilities. My practice has earned its place as what best brings me happiness, but it hasn’t actually taken that place in my mind. My concept of what brings happiness hasn’t actually bended in accordance with my experience. Isn’t that weird?
It’s strange how our concept of what brings happiness can actually go against the results we have experienced. That disparity between concept and experience may sound like a minor thing, but it really is disastrous. For it means that we pour the energy of our seeking in the direction of what hasn’t worked, and not in the direction of what has. The result is unhappiness.
So I’m trying to bring my concept of happiness into line with my experience. With each practice period, as I experience the usual “it’s so hard to concentrate like this, let me just get through it,” I am telling myself, “This is where my happiness will come from today.” I have to remind myself of that, or my usual concept will automatically stamp itself on things. I am also reminding myself of this in relation to giving miracles to others, so that the full picture is that my happiness comes from receiving miracles (through my practice) and giving miracles (through my behavior).
Reminding myself of this is actually getting results. At least for these two days, it’s really working. My practice has been more sincere and more frequent, and as a result my days have been noticeably uplifted. It’s subtle, but also quite noticeable. I hope I can keep making this crucial decision.
