By Laurie Lowe
I have a mother whom I have been estranged from for 20 years. She is 98 years old, and I have been wondering how it is that she is still living and in good health while my husband is not. My husband had crippling arthritis pain and long covid chronic fatigue, so he decided to take his own life a couple of months ago. Here’s what I’ve been thinking about my mother — She is truly an awful person. She has done so many extraordinarily cruel things to me. How is it fair that she is still alive and my husband is not?
Even though I am new to A Course in Miracles, I already realize that she is a child of God with a soul worthy of the biggest and best amount of love that I could ever generate. The same love that Jesus gives her should be coming out of my own heart, but I don’t feel one tiny bit of it. I am afraid to ever be in contact with her again after I have managed to recover from years of abuse. That just doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.
A couple of days ago a voice inside my head (what I call my ‘God’ voice) said, “She is still living to give you the opportunity to forgive her, and as soon as you do, she will die”. Oh man… I didn’t want to hear that. If there is one absolutely horrible thing God could ask me to do, it would be to just look at her face again, let alone show her love. From reading ACIM I’ve been asking Jesus every morning what miracles I can do today. And if I really mean that, and I know that this forgiveness thing is on my plate, then it would be wise for me to figure out how to forgive her, right? So, I prayed to Jesus, “I can’t even begin to imagine how to do this. I honestly don’t even want to do this, but if you want me to, I will try. I sure need help though. Please show me how to change my heart.”
Well… the next day I saw the Circle of Atonement course about forgiveness. My first thought was Yuck… forgiveness… but wait… Why did I just see this course? I think I am supposed to take this. So, I registered for it somewhat reluctantly.
Late that very night after I signed up, the nursing home called me and said my mother was being transported to the hospital with chest pain! (Although I have not been in contact with her for many years, I guess I am still on some sort of contact list.) That call made the hair stand up on the back of my neck because of the coincidental (?) timing. I thought, But she has always had anxiety attacks that have left her short of breath and with a crushing feeling in her chest. So it’s probably just one of those episodes, right? Unknown to my mother I only live an hour away from her, and the nursing home gave me the name of the hospital assuming I would get in the car and immediately drive down there. Ummmm…. no.
The hospital social worker called me in the morning and said that she indeed had a heart attack! Uh-oh. Now they were going to bring her to the cardiac cath lab sometime during the day to see what was going on, but I wouldn’t be able to visit her until they put her in a room later that afternoon. Like I want to visit her? Whew … off the hook for now! But, this is actually serious. I have a feeling that the course on forgiveness tomorrow will be very timely. In the afternoon I got a call from the doctor. In the cath lab they discovered extensive damage to the left ventricle of her heart which does the major work of pumping blood throughout the body. They put two stents in the left descending artery, which was blocked, but knocked a clot loose which gave her a mild stroke. An MRI was now being scheduled (to determine the extent of brain damage from the stroke) for 1 or 2 am. After that they would finally put her in a room and allow visitors. The doctor said he would call me after the MRI with the results. Gulp. Ok, kiddo, here we go. This is it. Things are going downhill. You better pay attention in the Forgiveness class tomorrow morning because the time left to forgive her is getting very short.
When I got up in the morning, I hadn’t heard anything from the doctor yet, so I called the hospital right before the class was set to start. I got ahold of my mother’s nurse who said they did not do the MRI! I asked him why, and he said gently that it would be pointless. Her stroke had progressed so that she was now nonverbal and non-responsive even to pain stimuli. She had some slight involuntary movement of her right arm, but she was essentially comatose. He told me that they were guessing that she had about 24 hours to live. OMG! It is time to forgive and say goodbye, but I still don’t have anything but dislike for her in my heart. Jesus, help!
Class was starting in a few minutes. I knew I was meant to take it and then go to the hospital. I don’t think I have ever paid attention during a class like I did that morning. I felt like my consciousness was expanded so that my earthly awareness was continuous with my soul. My entire being was laser focused on the words I was hearing about the ego, how the ego says, “I am the good person. They are the bad person, and they do not deserve my forgiveness.” …Oh my gosh… That is me! I learned that wrong thinking creates fear… Yes! That is where my fear is coming from— the fear of having anything to do with my mother, that I will be hurt again by her. My ego is trying to deal with this situation on its own, to protect itself, and it is terrified. Then I learned about miraculous forgiveness… and I was suddenly able to see that my mother’s behavior was from her own ego also trying to protect itself, that she was just as lost and confused in this life as I have been. I GOT IT! At that moment I was able to trust that this is all a part of God‘s plan. I don’t know why she did the things she did, and I don’t have to know why she did the things she did. It is not for me to judge her, but it is for me to drive that hour to the hospital immediately and show her that all those things don’t matter. Suddenly, I felt full of love… truly a miracle… (why it’s called miraculous forgiveness I bet!) I knew Jesus was going to give me the words and the heart to say the right things to her and comfort her. My ego was no longer in charge, and my fear disappeared!
I didn’t finish the class. As soon as I felt that supercharge of love I jumped in the car and drove to see her. When I walked into her room and tenderly said, “Mom… it’s me, Laurie,” another miracle happened.… to the surprise of the nurses she regained enough consciousness to recognize me and attempt to talk! She was able to move her body enough to gesture that she wanted to hold my hand and have a hug, which I gave freely and with love! I told her not to be afraid of dying, that the bad things that occurred between us were mistakes that we both are going to learn from, and that Jesus will help us both grow from this.
She died peacefully just an hour later. And I am sitting here this evening with a tranquil heart after a lifetime of sadness and anger.
___________________________________________________
When your forgiveness is complete you will have total gratitude, for you will see that everything has earned the right to love by being loving, even as your Self. [CE W-195.8:6]
___________________________________________________
If you enjoyed this story you might enjoy this one!
Or you may be interested in delving deeper into A Course in Miracles with a community.
