By Bryan Hebert
I was raised Roman Catholic, but I can’t talk about my religious background without sharing my cultural background. I was born in southern Louisiana, the heart of Cajun country, the friendliest, most caring, most fun-loving people you will ever meet. Cajun culture is deeply rooted in the Roman Catholic Church due its connection with France and Spain. Louisiana is the only American state to have parishes (based on the parishes of the Catholic Church) instead of counties. Whether you are a practicing Catholic or not, the Church has a tremendous influence in day-to-day life in Louisiana.
My family went to Mass every Sunday. The church was a across the street from my elementary public school and once a week after school, the Catholic students were walked to the church to attend religion class, where we learned about the sacraments, Bible stories, Catholic prayers, Catholic saints and how to pray the rosary. They taught us that we were born into sin, that we were shameful and guilty, and that Jesus suffered and died on the cross for our sins. God was someone to be feared and we, mere sinners, were unworthy to approach Him directly. We needed a mediator (a priest) who held the power to absolve us from our sins through confession. Many questions came to my mind, such as: If I was made in the likeness and image of God, why did I have to fear that He might condemn me to the fire pits of Hell at any moment? Why did I need a mediator to approach God, instead of talking directly to Him myself? My questions went unasked, for it was made very clear to us that we were never to question the Church’s authority and teachings.
In my early teen years, my parents divorced, a huge no-no according to the Church that was accompanied by more shame and guilt and prohibited them from participating in certain sacraments, such as Holy Communion. Shortly after their divorce, we stopped going to church. Yet through all this, I had a quiet yearning to know and be closer to God.
When I began attending college in the fall of 1983, I carpooled back and forth with a couple of friends and, through them, made other friends. I noticed that they seemed so happy all the time. I wanted what they had. The common denominator was that they were born-again Christians. By this time, both my parents had remarried. My stepfather’s family was Southern Baptist, so I let go of my Catholic roots, joined the Southern Baptist Church, was baptized to a new life, and became a born-again Christian.
I quickly became involved in Church activities: singing in the choir, joining Sunday school, and attending church twice a week. At college, I became an active member of the Baptist Student Union where I met the woman who later became my wife. All of this with one goal: to “save” as many souls for Christ as possible. For several years, I went through whatever motions were needed to earn God’s love, but deep inside I still felt like an unworthy sinner consumed with fear, guilt, and shame, for I held a dark secret: I was a closet homosexual. Both the church of my upbringing and the Baptist Church condemned homosexuals, who were considered an abomination to God and humanity. I knew I could never earn God’s love and acceptance. Years of internalizing the shame, guilt, and disgust resulted in a clinical depression. Yet, in a small corner of my mind was that silent yearning to know God and have His acceptance and love.
No longer able to maintain the façade, I made the decision to leave my marriage of two years and also to leave my church, because I realized the Southern Baptist Church had just been more of the same exclusiveness, condemnation, fear, shame, and guilt that I had received from the Catholic Church. Not only was I an abomination, now I was bringing hurt to my wife, our families, and friends. At times it felt too much to bear, but somehow, I knew I had to find peace, love, and acceptance both with myself and with God. During the two weeks following our separation, I said this prayer every evening: “God, if being gay is what you made me, please give me the peace that surpasses all understanding that I may know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am your son.” At the end of those two weeks, my prayer was answered. I woke with an inner peace I had never experienced in my life, and I KNEW I was a son of God. The shame and guilt were gone! For the first time, I felt unconditional love and acceptance from my Maker. Leaving the Southern Baptist Church was the beginning of my coming-out journey. I lost all my friendships, which was upsetting, because these people were my spiritual family. When I needed their support the most, they turned away from me. Yet, I knew I was peacefully being lead in another direction.
I continued my search for God. The mid 80s were the height of the self-help movement. I read all the books: Twelve Step, metaphysics, New Age, New Thought, Seth material, Louise Hay, Dr. Bernie Seigel’s Love, Medicine and Miracles, Shirley MacLaine’s Out on a Limb, Melody Beatie’s Codependent No More. I learned all about chakras, energy work, sweat lodges, crystals. Marianne Williamson’s book A Return to Love about the basic principles and terms of A Course in Miracles (the Course) opened a whole new world to me. From the moment I started reading it, I knew I had found what I had been searching for my entire life and thus began my journey with the Course into a world of inclusion and unconditional love. I was so excited about A Return to Love and A Course in Miracles that talked about them to anyone who would listen and gave them as gifts to all my friends.
For many years, I was an on again/off again student of the Course. In June 2012, I met my future husband, Chuck. On our first date, I learned that, amongst the many things we had in common, he loved the Course and had been a full-time student for over 20 years. The Course became the central focus of our relationship. In 2014, we married; in 2018, he died unexpectedly. Upon his death, the Course became my refuge.
A Course in Miracles has forever changed my life for the better and my love for the Course grows deeper with every passing day. The Course has answered all my lifelong questions. The Course led me to a real relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, what I previously thought to be an untouchable mystery. I learned that salvation is my responsibility, not that of an outside source coming to wash away my sins. Before, I was constantly grasping for what would define my worth and value; now I know that my worth comes from God. I do not need to do anything to earn His love. I do not need a mediator in order to talk with God or listen to His Voice, I can be in touch with Him directly all day, every day. And once again I found that inner peace within, the one that surpasses all understanding, like I did when I prayed that prayer when I was coming out. I have learned that the God of my earlier years is not a vengeful God, but a God of unconditional love, grace, and mercy. I learned forgiveness is not God’s role, because He has no need to forgive, seeing only the Truth of who I am. As a result of integrating and practicing the Course in my life, I have gained inner peace, better relationships, spiritual growth, healing, happiness, joy, serenity, second chances to choose again, opportunities to forgive, gratitude, stronger faith, and improved inner vision to see the Truth in others.
Most importantly, the Course has taught me to be a miracle worker. A Course in Miracles defines miracles as “expressions of love,” and it is in this place of love that I find my connection with God.
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