By Michele M.
My parents were devout Irish Catholics. Early in my childhood, I learned that their religious beliefs were not open to question. If the Church said something was to be a certain way, then it was that way. That was how they were raised, and although they raised me the same way, I always felt that something wasn’t right. I was taught the fear of God, belief in sin, punishment, hell, and glorification of the crucifixion. I learned how not to rock the boat, to endure, and to play small. As a result, I experienced such shame that I had to use “not seeing” as a coping strategy. But there was good too: The thought that God loved me and that I could pray to Him was a comfort and a gift that served me well over the years.
In my early 20s, I came across A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. It was quite an awakening for me. Her teachings brightened my world and brought me a sense of peace and joy I had never known. One of the things she recommended was to read and practise A Course in Miracles (the Course). I remember thinking at the time, “I don’t need the Course.” Little did I know.
The year after I was married, I began having health-related issues and sunk into a deep depression. Although I was unhappy, something inside of me told me that my happiness was not “out there,” that happiness came from within. I didn’t do the usual things to solve the outer problem; instead, I decided to turn to A Course in Miracles. I bought the book and began with the Workbook (the theory). After months of feeling miserable and waking up in tears every day, I started to get better almost immediately. I was laughing and singing again. I continued to practice the Course for several more years. Eventually I stopped regular practice, but the Course continued to be my foundation and I would compare any other teaching I came across to the Course. It was my measure of authenticity.
When the pandemic appeared on the scene (March 2020), I had no idea what a tailspin it had in store for me. I couldn’t shake the fear of a looming calamity, even though I knew the fear was irrational. By June, I was really struggling. The Course’s teaching that the only problem is our belief in separation came to mind. I decided to return to practising the Course on a regular basis. I was excited about this decision, certain that this would be the answer to all my problems. (It was, but this time things had to get worse before they got better.)
Several health challenges arose to shake my confidence. I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone as I spiraled into anxiety and depression, all the while trying desperately to figure out what was wrong with me. Even the Course didn’t seem to be helping. But I never stopped praying. I kept getting the words, “This is your Eastertime” (from Workbook Lesson 135). This gave me the courage to carry on.
Shortly thereafter, this thought came to me, “I wonder if guilt is behind all this anxiety and fear?” As soon as I made the connection, the fear immediately began to ease. It was as though acknowledging the guilt took the wind out of its sails. For the first time, I saw guilt and shame for what they were: a suit of armor that did not protect me but rather stifled my emotions and separated me from other people. Not only was I being called to end the separation, I was also being guided to break the centuries-old cycle of conditioning and the guilt that went with it. My eyes and heart were opened, allowing me to truly forgive my parents who had done the best they could with what they knew.
My experience with A Course in Miracles this time around is deeper than I could have ever foreseen. I see now that I had been trying to do so much on my own because I had the expectation that I was supposed to be perfect, and I had such a fear of doing something wrong. My connection with the Holy Spirit has grown exponentially and is such a comfort. And I have learned that my journey is not so much about uncovering guilt and shame, but about learning to see and embrace the love beneath. I am understanding the Course to new depths. Corinne Zupko, author of the award-winning book From Anxiety to Love, showed up in my life as a beautiful Course teacher. From her I learned to look at my emotions with the Holy Spirit and to practice radical honesty. She helped me truly appreciate how much courage it takes to do this inner work.
I also feel a renewed sense of purpose in my life as a pioneer of sorts within my family, not only to “see things differently” (Workbook Lesson 21), but with the Atonement. (In the Course, the Atonement wipes away our “sins” through our recognition that they were never real in the first place.) No longer hiding the darkness, I now allow the Holy Spirit to shine it away.
Turns out, I needed the Course after all. I hold it in my heart.
* The title of this story comes from the song “Holy Spirit” by Francesca Battistelli.
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