By Cyndi Bohun
I grew up on a small farm in New York State with an Italian father and a Scandinavian mother. We lived with my Italian grandparents. I found my spirituality in the countryside and remember walking in the woods as a young person and thinking about God. My mother was a Lutheran and when my father married her, he was told by the Catholic church not to darken their door ever again. So, I was raised Lutheran. My mother was very active in our church.
When my father was diagnosed with malignant melanoma – the deadly kind of skin cancer – my mother and father prayed fervently for healing. When he died at age 36, she walked away from God and life. I was 14 and I ended up taking responsibility for raising my two younger sisters. It was a rough and lonely time for me. My mom had several men in her life and so they were in our lives too. I could say lots about that, but I have chosen to move beyond it.
I went to college, so glad to finally be on my own and began a serious pursuit of spirituality. I had a yogi and taught yoga. Then I met a man and I fell completely into what became a special hate relationship. I became pregnant, got married and moved away from my family. My husband was a great businessman but not a good husband. I could say lots about that too, but I have chosen to move beyond it.
I was alone and desperate. I went to church with my husband’s brother’s girlfriend and was “saved” – a true and real experience for me. I could now read and understand the Bible, which up to then had made no sense to me. I loved Jesus. The church became my life, my refuge. I also found Al-Anon. My sponsor and dear friend worked at my church and helped me see and learn so much.
I left my husband. I was a single mom with three small children. I prayed a lot. I went to nursing school, eventually got a Master of Science in Nursing, became an anesthetist. The church continued to be family to me. I married a sweet man who was great with my kids. We moved to Minnesota where I live now. My children are all launched into their own lives and have children of their own.
About ten years ago, I began feeling restless in my faith. I wanted to live a life that was inclusive and nonjudgmental. In my quiet times with God, I would ask Him questions and He would answer me. I began studying the Christian mystics, Ignatian spirituality, contemplative prayer. I became a certified spiritual director. I was involved with a lot of groups: yoga classes, Al-Anon, church groups, neighborhood groups.
Then COVID hit and I found A Course in Miracles (the Course). I couldn’t believe I had never come across it before. I immersed myself in it, reading the Text (the theory), doing the Workbook (the practice), listening to podcasts, reading related books. My favorite thing about the Course is that it is experiential. If I am consumed by some ego issue, usually related to a relationship, I meditate and pray about it in the evening, and wake up in the next morning with an answer, a new way to be, a fresh attitude.
My mother died just before my husband and I were to leave for Spain to walk the 500-mile Camino de Santiago. We went, but I was in mourning. The night before we reached the end of the pilgrimage, my mother came to me in a dream. She showed me scenes from my life and said after each one, “When are you going to stop doing this to yourself?” I had no response except to say to her, “I really miss you, Mom.”
It has been a couple years since I had that dream and I have thought about it often. Just today I realized that she was encouraging me to put an end to all the sadness, loneliness, and pain in my life by not making this “dream” real. The Course has taught me that there is a better way and I am grateful for the peace that this has given me. It is my choice, my mind, my desire to see things differently, to join God and one another as one. That is what is real.
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