By José Lorenzo
Many people say they had happy childhoods, but my childhood was anything but. I was a shy, dreamy boy. My father was not much in the picture in my early days, so when not at school, I spent most of the day with my grandmother while my mother attended college and later worked as a financial analyst. My relationship with my mom was very difficult. She was essentially a single mother and had more on her plate than she could handle. She was temperamental and impatient. I feared her anger. I was born in Venezuela at a time when physical violence against children was the norm. I learned to spend a lot of time by myself, not asking for too much of anything.
My grandmother, a devote Catholic, took me to church on Sundays whenever she could. There, I was taught that God was perfect, loving, that He was everywhere and could see everything. I was intrigued by communion, which seemed to make my grandmother pray more intensely and I actually thought I could feel God’s love. I wanted to experience that too but could not participate because my parents never had me baptised. When I was ten years old, I chose to be baptised so I could participate in communion. However, when I had my First Communion, I was disappointed that I did not have that same intense feeling I saw in my grandmother. After this, God took a back seat in my life.
At age twelve, I came to the conclusion that the concept of a perfect God was impossible. My thinking was that since there was nothing perfect in this world, God could not be perfect, if He existed at all. I declared myself an atheist, deciding to rely on my own intellect. I look back on this childish reasoning with a smile.
It wasn’t until I encountered A Course in Miracles (the Course) that I would entirely reverse this reasoning and side with God’s logic. By this time, I was spending weekends with my father, and one Monday when he was driving to me to school, I happened to see a copy of the Course in the back seat of his car. I considered my father an odd character, always finding weird activities to participate in, but I had a good relationship with him. I laughed out loud when I read the title of the book, picturing him wearing a robe in front of an audience. I asked him, “Are you going to be performing miracles now?” He said he would, and the thought of it made me laugh even more.
My parents bickered a lot and I realised I had become a bargaining chip. I perceived this coming more from my mom’s side, which fostered a deep resentment against her. In my anger, I secretly swore to myself that I would find a better partner with whom to spend my life. The search for romantic love became my main drive.
Then something happened that catalyzed the greatest change in my life. At age fourteen, I went with my mom’s family to a beach resort. The day we arrived, I saw a girl at the hotel and fell in love with her. This was a usual thing for me, as I was always on the lookout for that special someone. It was also normal that I would do nothing about it. It was ironic that as important it was for me to have someone in my life, I did not have the courage to act. As days passed, my anxiety grew. The holidays were coming to an end, and I had only managed to exchange smiles with this girl. Then one day, to my great surprise, she tapped me on my shoulder! We talked briefly, agreeing to play table tennis later. I was over the moon, but also upset that I had spent so many days agonizing over the right strategy, when it took her no effort at all to talk to me. We played table tennis, and then she had to leave for dinner with her parents. I hadn’t even asked her name. The next day, I discovered that she was no longer a guest at the hotel. My fleeting joy was replaced by anger at myself, at life, at everything. As I walked along the beach alone, I was struck by the realization that I was doing this to myself. I sat looking at the sea, tears pouring down my cheeks. Then I said something that I would not understand until much later: “Never again.” With those words, I was declaring that something in me had to change. There had to be another way.
Back in the city, I wondered how I could find this girl again and was there a God after all who could help me? Shortly after this episode, I started reading books on spirituality. By this time, my dad was driving me to school every morning and I would share with him what I was reading. We had many interesting conversations. Some of those books contained practices and beliefs he found alarming, but he would just listen and offer his point of view. One day, he gave me his copy of A Course in Miracles. He told me he had never finished reading it but was certain I would love it. This time I did not laugh.
I read the Introduction and I had a sense of having found something important, so I immediately began reading the Text. The following day, I started doing the Workbook lessons. By the time I was finished almost two and half years later, my life had been transformed. A series of things I thought impossible had happened: my relationship with my mother was now marked by a sense of peace and friendship instead of constant attack; I no longer considered myself an introvert; I was in a relationship with a wonderful girl from college; and I had started teaching others about the Course. Those first years with the Course were full of experiences that I can only describe as miracles.
Twenty-two years later, I look back on that day on the beach, and understand that I made a decision to never again settle for littleness. I’m grateful that I decided to listen to the Voice for God instead and let myself be guided towards the Course. My friends remark how I display a sense of unshakable calmness and inspire peace in them. Now, I dedicate each day to giving and receiving miracles and offering kindness. I can’t say my life has become perfect since I started the Course, but it is definitely a happier life, a life I share with God.
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