by Irene Bentsen
My family was not religious and we did not go to church. Yet I believe I have been a spiritual being all my life. For example, as a little girl, I remember pondering life’s big questions, such as how I got here and what the point of it all was. In school, we had Christian studies in Grades 1 and 2, mostly beautiful stories of Jesus expressing love in the world. As an adult, I dabbled in Buddhism and learned how to meditate, but God was missing and I felt lonely. I tried other Eastern spiritual traditions, but nothing fit. I studied the Bible and found a God that was judgmental and angry. I was confused how Jesus could be so loving and forgiving, yet his Father appeared to be the opposite. I could not accept that God would have His Son die for us to be saved.
Over the years, I had several unprovoked spiritual experiences that showed me a different God, a God who loved me and accepted me despite my apparent shortcomings. Here are a few examples:
In Dental Hygiene School, I needed a certain number of practice hours to receive my diploma. I had to find my own patients, but I was shy and awkward and had trouble coming up with people to meet my practice requirements. I was completely stressed out over my predicament and had a permanent knot in my stomach. Being in this state, of course, made it even more difficult to find patients. It was beginning to look like I would be the only person in my class to repeat the year. I felt like an utter failure. One day my roommate, who was also in the program and knew of my situation, came rushing up to me, “I don’t know how you are going to do it, honey, but you are going to pass.” Astonished by her conviction, I asked her how she knew. “I just know.” So, I surrendered to whatever was going to happen: “If I’m meant to do another year here, I will do it.” My anxiety dissipated, and shortly after, the clients I needed seemed to come out of the woodwork. In the end, I met all the requirements for my diploma. I wasn’t sure what or who I had surrendered to, but I knew it was something greater than myself. My search for a spiritual path had begun.
I always believed it was up to me to find my ideal love. After lots of dates and several failed relationships, a presence greater than myself enveloped me and gave me this knowing: “You will meet the love of your life, but you must stop trying to do things yourself. Let Me take care of everything for you. You will know when you meet ‘the one.’” This time, there was no doubt in my mind that the message came from God. I was elated. I had been searching all my life for a connection to God and this time He had spoken directly to me. I made a commitment to surrender the finding of my true love partner to Him, for only God could decide what was best for me. A few weeks later, my friend Katrina invited me to a dance at the Legion. Since I had promised to surrender everything to God, saying yes to the invitation was part of the agreement. That night as I approached the Legion, I was uncertain if I was at the right place. I asked a man standing under a streetlight if this was where the dance was. He said, “Yes, it is.” I remember him literally glowing in the light as we stared at each other a moment before I entered the building. It felt like something magical had just happened. I walked to the table where Katrina was sitting and joined her. We chitchatted some and then she pulled me close and discretely pointed to the man sitting next to her, whispering, “My cousin is single.” Out of nowhere came my response, “That’s not supposed to be the way it happens.” To this day I don’t really know what I thought meeting my life partner was supposed to be like, but I knew that was not the way. I looked around for the man I had seen under the lamppost. As I scanned the room, my eyes met his. He was sitting a few tables away smiling at me. I smiled back. A few minutes later, he came over. We chatted. There was a cautious knowing in me that I had never felt before, not the jittery new relationship feeling I had in the past, more like talking to an ancient friend. Yves and I have been happily married for 20 years. Since then, I have rarely doubted God’s love for me.
My next experience came two years later when I began to experience altered states of being. They were spontaneous, not induced by drugs or drinking. When they occurred, I would feel God’s presence, and a sense of euphoria would envelop me for weeks at a time. I had no fear, only love. I was working as a dental hygienist at the time. I tapped deeply into the flow of life and connected with patients as though I was a healer, their bodies communicating their issues to me. When I talked with my patients, not only about their dental problems, but about what was going on in their lives, the words I spoke came from a guided state. My boss commented on my ability to connect with patients on a level he had never seen before. After about two weeks, I would come down from the altered state. I was sad that it was over, but it gave me a glimpse of what was possible.
These were amazing times, but I did not have the knowledge of how to cope with these higher states of consciousness. Eventually, I had a high that was unmanageable. I could not sleep, had a loss of appetite along with energy so intense I could not control it. I was not able to function in the regular world. I went to a doctor and his diagnosis was that I had bipolar disorder with periods of acute anxiety. He told me that what I experienced was just an imbalance of brain chemicals and gave me medication to control it. Although I agreed I needed something to control the energy, I knew that the spiritual experiences were real. They continue to this day, but not as intense as before. I am better able to navigate these states as I learn from them and integrate their meaning into my life. I see them as a blessing, not a disorder.
Around the age of 30, I started reading lots of spiritual and self-help books. None of them helped my mental health or satisfied my yearning for God, but several mentioned A Course in Miracles (the Course). I was intrigued by the bits and pieces I learned about its thought system. Then I came across A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, in which she spoke at great length about the Course. So I bought a copy of the Course for myself. I knew it held important teachings but found The Foundation for Inner Peace version difficult to understand. I was inspired to search for a Course group in my area and stumbled on the Circle of Atonement (the Circle), which led me to Julie, a teacher of the Complete and Annotated Edition (CE) of the Course. The combination of Julie’s loving teaching style and the CE, that is so practical and rich with information unlike anything I have ever come across, brought the Course to life for me. Finally, a step-by-step process about how to work with my perception of the world and my mental health issues. As for my spiritual search, it has taken me many years, but I believe I have finally found my path in A Course in Miracles.
Since then, the Course has helped me tremendously with my self-confidence. It taught me that I don’t have to do anything to be loved – my very existence is proof that I am loved. This has been a huge shift. My anxiety is also more manageable and the mood swings, although still there, have a quicker recovery time. I can actually see the changes in myself – I am becoming more loving and less fearful – and I find that so exciting. I know my purpose is simple: to forgive. Even though that is not always easy, I work on it at my own pace with Jesus and the Holy Spirit by my side. I am so much happier since the Course came into my life. As part of the community of Course Companions, I don’t feel lonely anymore; instead, I feel loved and connected.
I have written this story to let anyone who has been through a similar experience know that there is another way to look at mental illness. I am now convinced that what I experienced in my altered states was what the Course calls living in the real world. The Holy Spirit uses everything in our lives to wake us up. I finally feel at home in myself, with less guilt and more love and joy. Words cannot describe how wonderful this feels.
_____________________
If you enjoyed this story you might enjoy this one!
Or you may be interested in delving deeper into A Course in Miracles.
